Oh, boy. I’ve really done it this time. Basically, a couple of posts ago—posts that I’ve since deleted—I spewed verbal vomit all over my blog about the two sisters I was temporarily rooming with. In the posts, I’d said some extremely judgmental things about their behaviors—behaviors reflective of my past—and, I’m sure you can see where this is going… they read them. I’ve completely hurt their feelings, which I feel terrible about, as they are (or were, I’m not sure at this point) two of my closest friends.
I’ve apologized, more than once, but I don’t know what will come in the future. Being judgmental is one of my worst qualities, and I consciously work on improving it. Being that I’m going into a helping profession, I truly love to help people. As my “professional” self, I’m not judgmental; however, personally, I become judgmental when I either feel out of control or trapped, or when I’ve tried to help people and they repeat the unhealthy behaviors, ultimately, leaving me with the feeling of powerlessness. It’s all very strange to me, because I was that person who repeated the same self-destructive behaviors, for years. I thank god that I had compassionate and patient people in my life.
It was just very difficult for me to be compassionate when I was in a situation where I didn’t have space, so, to some extent, I had no choice but to witness every behavior that was going on. Typically, I don’t care how obsessive or ritualistic one is (we all have certain “isms”), but after two months of living in a one-room studio and witnessing the behavior daily, I felt out of control. I couldn’t change it, because I really had nowhere else to go… so, I became judgmental, because I didn’t know how to handle it.
What I know, though, is as judgmental as I can be towards others, it’s nothing compared to the judgment I put on myself each day. I hope my character defects are not going to cost me the friendship, but it might. This is typically when I’d repeatedly call myself a stupid fucking idiot bitch , which I’ve already done, but, for today, I’ll try to keep the bashing to a minimum.
All I can do is try to do better the next time. Live and learn, I guess.
For today… progress, not perfection… not only in actions, but also, in attitudes.