So, this past week, I’ve been so aware of how alone I feel when I’m not around people, not surfing the internet, or not checking my iphone for the umpteenth time. The list goes on and on. Obviously, this is why I clung so tightly to food!
Every week, I long for time to myself when I’m off work; yet, when I finally get that time to myself, I feel so alone. Spiritually and psychically alone. Even if the sun is out and I’ve had my coffee. It doesn’t happen every hour of my day. Rather, it’s like I have a wonderful day, get my “list of the things to do” done, sit down on the couch to “relax,” and then it hits me. First thought… I want food. Second thought… no you don’t, so don’t even think about it.
Today, my therapist, H, told me that I’m attached to the thought, “I’m alone.” The reason for this, H says, is that it’s completely familiar to me; because I’d felt so alone my entire life. I don’t know if I’ll get this right, but by attaching myself to that thought, I leave myself without choices. I drown in this emotional abyss, suddenly finding myself feeling very afraid in the world. No wonder I wanted to binge and purge last week! Thank god I didn’t!!
The truth is that we are all alone. Yes, we reach support, we reach for control, for success; but, when all of that runs out, for a moment, it is just me, myself, and my emotional scars. The feeling of longing (for what?) begins to wrap itself around every muscle, bone, and cell in my body, until I’m crawling in my skin.
Naturally, I’ve forgotten the cognitive-behavioral instructions H presented me with, to change my thought process when the impending doom of “alone” strikes. However, for today, I don’t feel it, as much.
Acknowledge. Embrace. Feel. Don’t try to change my feelings. Lean into the fear. Lean into the alone-ness.
These are all things that I know help me.
Even though I don’t necessarily feel alone tonight, as I sit here, the only question that keeps running through my head is, When can I have my snack???
Will I ever be free????????